Nothing Mellow About Yellow! by Camille Olson

yellow flowerJust the other day I found myself at the shoe store buying ballet shoes for my daughters. I don’t know a woman on earth that can be at a shoe store and not “just look” for her own size. So next thing I knew, there I was, trying on shoes for myself. On the bottom of the rack and on clearance was a pair of yellow shoes. I could not believe my luck! I loved them and bought them without another thought. It wasn’t until I brought them home, did I start thinking about why I loved that bright and vibrant color so much. To me, there is nothing “mellow about yellow.” Here are a couple things I learned from the color YELLOW.
1. Yellow is bold and confident. Confidence is power. People are drawn to others who are confident in themselves. Does this mean we have to be “fake” and pretend we are confident when we are not? No! This just means celebrate the talents you have to offer this world! Hold your head up high. Be bold and secure that you are enough. It is easy to feel inadequate, especially in the “social media” world that we live in. At our finger tips we have access to the good things in everyone else’s lives. We need to remember that very few people are posting their struggles and hardships online, rather they are more often trying to make their lives look perfect. We cannot compare our challenges to someone else’s success. It is not fair to YOU!

yellow 32. Yellow is a happy color. Surround yourself with things and people that make you happy. I believe that gratitude goes hand and hand with happiness. When we are busy looking for the good and appreciating things, we have little energy left to be critical. When my boys were little, I spent five minutes a day writing down three things that I was grateful for. At first, it was really hard for me to come up with different things to be grateful for. Little by little, it became easier, and before long I could fill up half a page with little or no effort. I found that my heart was more grateful for the little things. I was quicker to recognize small blessings in my life. Many interesting things happen to us when we are grateful. Here are my favorite three things: (see below for reference)

  •  People with an “attitude of gratitude” are in better physical health, sleep better, and spend more time exercising.*
  •  People with an “attitude of gratitude” have lower levels of stress hormones in their blood.**
  •  People with an “attitude of gratitude” undo the cardiovascular after effects of negative emotions.***

 

yellow flower 23. Yellow is uplifting. No one has ever said (to my knowledge) “Oh great, here comes another beautiful ray of sunshine to lighten my day.” We should all splash a little color into our lives by taking time for ourselves. Spend that extra minute or two in the shower relaxing or tuck yourself into bed an hour early so you can read that chapter you have been waiting to read. Take a walk with a friend or just enjoy the peace and quiet of the day. When we color our lives with things that make us a feel better, we act and treat others better.

 

“Taking time for yourself gives your brain a chance to reboot, improves concentration, increases productivity, helps you discover (or rediscover) your own voice, gives you a chance to think deeply , and helps you problem solve more effectively. It also gives you a better sense of balance and self-awareness that can lead to a better understanding of yourself–what drives you, what inspires you, what excites you. This, in turn, can have a positive effect not only on the quality of your relationship with yourself, but also on the quality of your relationships with others.”****

 

Next time you see something bold and beautifully yellow, remember the quest to be more like that dynamic color and reflect its values in our own lives. Is it any wonder why some of the most beautiful creations of this earth are yellow?

* Emmons, R. A. & McCullough, M. E. (2003) Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well being in daily life, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 84: 377-89.
** R. McCraty, B. Barrios-Choplin, D. Rozman, M Atkinson & A. D. Watkins (1998) The impact of a new emotional self-management program on stress, emotions, heart rate variability, DHEA and cortisol. Integrative Physiological & Behavioral Science. 32 (2) 151-70.
*** C. Branigan, B. L. Fredrickson, R. A. Mancuso, & M. M. Tugade (2000) The undoing effect of positive emotions, Motivation and Emotion 24: 237-58.
****Sherrie Bourg Carter is the author of High Octane Women: How Superachievers Can Avoid Burnout(Prometheus Books, 2011).
camille2About the Author: Camille Olson is currently working in the marketing department at the South Shore Center for Couples & Families. She received her B.S. degree from Brigham Young University in elementary education. She is married and is the mother of five children.

Avoiding Abusive Relationships (and Building Good Ones) by Jonathan Decker, LMFT

stock-1In my work as a therapist and relationship educator the most frequently-recurring issue I see among single adults is the belief that all of the good men/women are already taken. Many seem stuck in a pattern of abusive, controlling, neglectful relationships that they desperately want to escape. Others have heard the horror stories of their friends and are understandably reticent to enter the dating scene themselves.

Fortunately, there is a way to avoid getting into negative relationships and develop healthy ones instead. Dr. John Van Epp, a counselor with decades of experience working with single adults, has developed a research-based program, charmingly titled “How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk” (based on the book of the same name) that offers essential tools for dating well.

MP900309139As a certified instructor of this “No Jerks” class, as well as a marriage and family therapist who was single for years, I’m well aware that it’s a jungle out there. Allow me to offer four keys to help the never-married, the divorced, the widowed, and the struggling to date with confidence and caution, but without fear.

1. Don’t allow your level of touch to exceed your level of commitment.
2. Don’t trust someone more than you actually know them.
3. Be the type of person that you want to attract.
4. Live a life worth living on your own.

Let’s dig a little deeper on each of these:

1. Don’t allow your level of touch to exceed your level of commitment.
In popular media we frequently see couples entering very early into a physical relationship; the decision to enter (or not) into a committed relationship often comes much later, if at all. This seems to work fine on the page and screen, but remember that those are fictional destinies, determined by authors and screenwriters instead of by reality. In real life, explains Dr. Van Epp, early physical involvement creates a false sense of intimacy. In other words, you think that you’re more in love than you actually are.

Couple holding hands.This is because physical intimacy triggers the release of bonding hormones that make you feel intensely attached to the other person. Of course, if you don’t really know the other person and haven’t developed a pattern of reliably meeting each other’s needs over time, the sensation of “love” is actually a mirage that may or may not actually materialize. The other person may not be dependable, they may not be who you think they are, or they may be lying to you. A breakup after physical intimacy is usually far more painful than one where things didn’t go as far.

2. Don’t trust someone more than you know them.
Dr. Van Epp describes trust as the mental image you have of the person, i.e. who you “think they are.” We don’t trust others, we trust our idea of them, which may or may not be accurate. This is why, when someone betrays our trust, we say “You’re not who I thought you were!” Early on, we gather bits and pieces of a person’s identity from what we observe and what we’ve heard about them. If we’re not careful, we may rush to fill in the gaps with what we hope they are or who we assume them to be, based on limited information.
What’s more, they may be, at best, trying to make a good impression or at worst actively deceitful. This is why it’s important to take time to get to know somebody before entering into a relationship. Build a friendship. Talk frequently and observe them in a variety of situations. See if their actions match their words and if they are who you think they are. Watch carefully how they treat other people. It generally takes at least 90 days for true behavioral patterns to reveal themselves.

3. Be the type of person that you want to attract.
I once had a client in my office for therapy (story shared with permission) who told me that he’d probably never marry because his standards were too high. When I asked him what those standards were, he offered to bring me a list he’d prepared, which he did in the next session. The lengthy list of traits required of his “perfect woman” went on and on. With each requirement this dream female was sounding more and more like a cross between Mary Poppins and Wonder Woman. I took my client’s list, turned it towards him, pointed at it, and said: “Here’s the thing. The woman you describe here… what her list look like?”

The man looked like ice water had been thrown on his face. He realized that he wasn’t living up to the standards that he had set for his mate. He had to be the type of person that he wanted to attract, and if he expected her to embrace and tolerate his imperfections, he’d better be prepared to embrace and tolerate hers. If you want an honest person, be an honest person. If you want a loyal partner, be loyal. If you want someone hard-working, work hard. If you don’t want to be pressured into a relationship, respect the right of others to make their own choices as well.

yellow flower4. Build a life worth living on your own.

It’s fine to want someone to hold and to make memories with here and now, but as soon as that want becomes need, you’re likely to get hurt. Why? As soon as you need to have a man or a woman in your life right now, you’re in love with the idea of being in love. That’s when you scare people away by coming across as desperate. That’s when shady characters can use your neediness to manipulate and use you.

I look at it this way: if you aren’t able to swim on your own, if you’re afraid of drowning in loneliness and despair, you’re going to cling to whatever piece of slimy driftwood comes floating by. The best way to combat this is to build a life worth living on your own. You can still love your life by helping others, developing your relationships with friends and family, and pursuing worthwhile goals. This will make you less desperate, less needy, more attractive to others, and more able to swim on your own. That way, if you end up with someone, it will be because you choose to be with that person, not because you need someone right this moment or you’ll fall apart.
While I’ve much more to share on the subject (and will in the future) these four keys are essential to dating well. Good luck, and happy hunting!

jonathan - CopyAbout the Author: Jonathan Decker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the St. George Center for Couples and Families and is the Clinical Manager of the Online Center for Couples and Families. He can be contacted at jdeckertherapy@gmail.com or by phone at (435) 215-6113.

Forgiveness: Spiritual & Medical Implications by Christina Puchalski

This is an interesting article taken from The Yale Journal for Humanities in Medicine.

“Forgiveness: Spiritual and Medical Implications”  by Christina Puchalski, MD.

(http://info.med.yale.edu/intmed/hummed/yjhm/spirit/forgiveness/cpuchalski.htm)

 

MP900385327“On a societal level, we face social injustice, urban crime, terrorist acts and war. These realities of society can also lead to resentment, territorialism and hatred. While many of these aspects of our society are wrong and perhaps even warrant a justifiable anger and hatred until we can forgive even the most horrendous of these acts, how can we as a society, or as a civilization, live together in peace? Thus, forgiveness is the basic building block of a tolerant society.
There have been many studies looking at the role of forgiveness in health. Unforgiving persons have increased anxiety symptoms, increased paranoia, increased narcissism, increased frequency of psycho-somatic complications, increased incidence of heart disease and less resistance to physical illness. Others have found that people who are unable to forgive themselves or others also have an increased incidence of depression and callousness toward others. The act of forgiveness can result in less anxiety and depression, better health outcomes, increased coping with stress, and increased closeness to God and others.
MP900440326There have been numerous studies looking at forgiveness interventions. The interventions involved counseling and exercises which were used to help people move from anger and resentment towards forgiveness. In one study, incest survivors who experienced the forgiveness intervention had at the end of the intervention increased abilities to forgive others, increased hopefulness and decreased levels of anxiety and depression. In another study, college students were randomized to a group that received a forgiveness education program and another group who studied human relations. The group that received the forgiveness education program showed higher levels of hope and an increased willingness to forgive others. This greater self-forgiveness was associated with increased self-esteem, lower levels of anxiety, lower levels of depression and a more positive view of their patient.
In many of these studies, it was shown that people who are able to forgive are more likely to have better interpersonal functioning and therefore social support. In terms of social support, there is a large body of literature that demonstrated the value of social support. Social support has been shown to reduce cardiovascular risks, promote faster recovery and increased survival rates from several types of cancer. Therefore, forgiveness, since it improved interpersonal functioning, might mediate these better health outcomes through the ability of people to have increased social support.
MP900289480Thus, act of forgiving from a research end seems to indicate that forgiveness can improve personal, interpersonal, and societal well-being.”

Understanding Self Harm By Jamie Porter

Young Woman Biting Her Finger NailI’m often asked WHY cutters cut. For those that do not cut, they have difficulties seeing how something that appears to be so painful can cause a relief? It’s beyond their mind’s capacity to understand why someone would do this to themselves. The hardest part about trying to answer what appears to be a simple question is that there is not a simple answer. I’d like to take a moment to share with you what I have experienced as a clinician, what I have read from books, collected from research, and have heard from the mouths of my clients. Secondly, I’d like to share some basic tools or coping skills to gather and use as a lay person, a parent, a friend or a therapist. My greatest goal is that you build an ability to be open-minded to help those that are hurting.
Cutting is a form of communication. At the basics of cutting, self-harmers live in a world where they are either afraid to speak their true emotions, will be criticized if they do, or lack the ability to articulate their emotions. Our job as clinicians is to help bridge the gap. We must help our clients find a healthier coping skill, build verbal communication, and help mend emotional turmoil.

1.  First, we must assess the cutters. Most cutters cut to avoid suicide. This is a very important concept we must teach the parents’ of cutters. However, there is a small number that actually have suicidal ideation while cutting, and an even smaller number (4%) that have actually died from self-harm. If this is the case, it is important that we refer our clients to the nearest hospital and make sure that their families are aware that they must be under greater supervision than one-hour a week therapy sessions.

 

2.  We start to help our clients to build a vocabulary list of emotions felt before, during and after conflict-cutting.

 

3.  We help them go over coping skills that can be traded for cutting. We need to help our clients heal the internal and external pain. We must be compassionate for each client will have a different reason for cutting. ‘I want to feel alive’, ‘ I want to stop the bad feelings’, I want to feel numb’, ‘It makes me feel numb’, ‘It’s my way to avoid people, punishment, consequences’, ‘It’s my way of control’, ‘I’m bored’, ‘It’s my way to punish myself’, and/or ‘I want to be paid attention to’. If we can understand their pain, we can help our clients communicate that to those around them.
For parents, some basic tools include opening lines of communication, listening to your child, not judging, not giving ultimatums/threats/punishment, help aid their cuts and provide medical assistance if needed, and help them find professional help to process their pain/emotions. Most importantly, for a parent to remind their child that they deserve to be happy and that you are trying to be there for them, not against them, could be most beneficial.
Sick Young Woman Lying in BedFor the therapist/clinician, starting off with an impulse-control log, can help your client start to document how often, where, when, with what tool, and emotions attached to the behavior. You can also help start to identify some healthy coping skills including writing, drawing, music, physical activity, art, meditation, etc. One of the greatest tasks as a clinician is to help the client vocalize their emotions to their parent and to get a response that will not only verbally and emotionally be a safe response, but physically. Most of our clients lack a relationship of verbal comfort or even physical comfort (hugs). It can be a long process for clients that are fearful to open up. We must instill safeness again and remind our clients that their current level of coping is not healthy for themselves or their families.
Cutting is a topic that some clinicians stay far away from and that parents are highly fearful of. I want to remind both clinicians and parents that suicide is not the ultimate goal for cutters. I want to demystify the behavior and build a sense of clarity and compassion for those who are fighting the battle and those that watch the fighting battle. For ‘self injury is a sign of distress not madness’. – Corey Anderson

 

Resources:
Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Mental Health of America: www.mentalhealthamerica.net
Cornell Research Program on Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents and Young Adults: www.crpsib.com/researces.asp
S.A.F.E. Alternatives (Self-Abuse Finally Ends):  www.selfinjury.com
Self-Harm: Recovery, Advice and Support: www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm
Self-Injurious Behavior Webcast:  www.albany.edu/sph/coned/t2b2injurious.hmt
KidsHealth: www.kidshealth.org
Christianity Today: www.christianitytoday.com/cl.2004/005/29.18.html
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry: www.aacap.org
Book:
Strong, Marilee (1998). A Bright Red Scream. New York, New York: Viking Press.
Conterio, K. and W. Lader, Ph.D. (1998). Bodily Harm. The breakthrough Healing Program for Self-Injurers. New York, New
York: Hyperion.
Magazine:
The Prevention Researcher. Parental Guidelines for Preventing and Constructively Managing Inevitable Self-Injuring Slips, 19, February 2010

 

Jamie Cropped2About the Author:  Jamie Porter has a Master’s degree in Marriage & Family Therapy from UHCL. She has worked in non-profit settings working with women, adolescents, children, families, couples, and equine assisted psychotherapy. She is currently the Sugar Land Center for Couples & Families office manager, and  an AAMFT approved supervisor.

Fight Fair by Kenneth Jeppesen, MS, LMFTA

business man with laptop over head - madSurveys have shown that for the most part, couples divorce because they don’t feel loved. One of the biggest things that makes us feel like our spouse doesn’t love us is fighting. Since we can’t expect to remove all conflict from marriage, what are we supposed to do? The answer is to change the way we fight. Today I’ll share one thing that can start to change the way you fight.

When we get in a fight with our spouse, our emotions are running high, and we feel attacked. Researcher John Gottman has found that we experience the fight-or-flight response which he calls being “flooded.” Our heart rate gets up around 100 beats per minute, our digestion stops, the blood rushes out of our limbs to prevent from us bleeding to death if injured, and most importantly, our brain mostly shuts off except for one part. The part of our brain that is highly active during fights is the part that looks for threats. And when we are in a fight, we perceive our spouse to be a threat. Even if there is never any physical violence, there is a very real threat to our self-esteem and our happiness if we are in conflict with the person we are supposed to love and cherish. When we are flooded and our brains are on high alert for threat, almost anything we say will cause more harm than good.

For this reason, Dr. Gottman recommends a time-out. It takes at least twenty minutes for our bodies to calm back down. While we take this time-out, we can’t be thinking about the argument, or we will continue to be in this state of physiological arousal. In order to calm down, we have to think soothing and calming thoughts. Dr. Gottman has found through his research that men have a harder time with this. Men are more likely to mull the argument over in their heads, thinking thoughts like, “I shouldn’t have to put up with this.” Women are much better at thinking thoughts like, “Everything is going to be fine, we’re still in love.”

MP900387517It is a lot harder to think calming thoughts when we are charged up with emotional energy. It can be very helpful to do something physically demanding during the twenty minute time-out that will drain that energy. Sprinting, for example, is quite effective. Afterwards it’s much easier to take control of the thoughts we’re thinking about our spouse and relationship. Meditation is a powerful tool that can help with this if we will develop it as a skill.

When you feel yourself getting flooded with emotion and adrenaline, that’s when it’s time for a break. But walking away from your spouse during an argument can make things much worse. When you call a time out, make sure that you agree on a time when you will come back together to continue the discussion. In part two, I’ll share how to make the fights less distressing in the first place.

Kenneth-Jeppesen-Headshot-e14380277335081About the Author: Kenneth Jeppesen is a Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. He earned a bachelor’s degree in Child and Family Studies from Weber State University, and a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Converse College in Spartanburg, South Carolina. He is currently at the Provo Center for Couples and Families

Enjoy the Taste of Eating Right by Erica Hansen, MS, RD

VegetablesWhy do you eat what you eat? Are you eating right? If you are like most Americans, according to research, taste trumps all other deciding factors. Surprised? Probably not.

We live in a time and place where food is abundant and you have a lot of food choices to make, as many as 200 per day according to researcher Dr. Brian Wansink. Can you think of a place where you can’t find food? It’s in movie theaters, malls, airports, your workplace, gas stations, and even available at sporting events. Each year about 50,000 new food products are introduced to your grocery store shelves. With so many foods to choose from many Americans have the luxury of choosing to eat the very best tasting things.

Unfortunately, some of the foods that are packed with essential nutrients have been given a bad rap in the tasty foods lineup. According to national surveys, less than 25% of Americans eat the amount of vegetables we should (about 2-3 cups per day). When I meet with patients the number one reason they cite for avoiding vegetables is, you guessed it, taste.

Vegetables are running up against some tasty competition. The foods you find on supermarket shelves are literally made to win; loaded with added fat and sugar they are created to taste great. Why? Because you buy things that taste good and we are hard-wired to enjoy the taste of fat and sugar, both high in life-sustaining energy. From a marketing and business perspective it makes sense for a food manufacturing company to add taste–unfortunately, even at the cost of compromising nutritional quality.

Vegetables are naturally low in fat and simple sugars, but you shouldn’t give up on great tasting vegetables just yet. When aiming to fill half your plate with fruits and vegetables each meal, consider these three suggestions to add flavor and flair:

1. Vary your veggies
Don’t get stuck eating the same vegetables night after night. While corn, peas, carrots, and potatoes are great, they aren’t the only veggies out there.

Consider writing out a list of all the vegetables you like eating by going through all of the colors of the rainbow. What are all of the red vegetables you like? Orange? Green? Sometimes having a tangible list of possible choices will help you realize how many you actually do like and give you ideas to add to your grocery list.

During your next trip to the grocery store, pick-up a new vegetable or one you haven’t tried for a while. I don’t recommend filling your cart with new options, it can be too overwhelming. Start small and add to your list of vegetable ideas.

tradition 32. Mix up your methods
Though a healthy choice, steaming or boiling your vegetables can at times lead to a bland product. Try roasting, broiling, grilling, or stir-frying in a little oil. Many vegetables (zucchini, cauliflower, broccoli, and red potatoes) are fabulous when tossed in olive oil, salt, pepper, and freshly grated parmesan cheese and then roasted or broiled on high heat. Ratatouille is prepared in a similar way.

Salads are often a go-to vegetable, and for great reason, but don’t get stuck in a salad rut. Try taco salads, an Asian salad with mandarin oranges and toasted sesame dressing, throw in fruits and nuts for something sweet, or try a hearty chef salad.

Cooking vegetables in broth instead of water or oil, seasoning them with fresh herbs and spices, soaking them in rice vinegars (delicious on cucumbers!), and dipping or topping them in salsa, hummus, or nut butters are also great, tasty, nutritious choices.

3. Be sneaky
It is easy to get stuck thinking in terms of vegetables as side dishes only, but vegetables can be incorporated into what you’re already eating:

• Add sautéed or fresh vegetables to your pizza
• Cucumbers, peppers, and sprouts add great crunch to sandwiches and wraps
• Carrots and onions in your rice make for a nice pilaf
• Include beans in your soups, stews, salads, and casseroles
• Zucchini, tomatoes, peppers, or artichokes are tasty in pasta
• Spinach or kale in a fruity shake is nearly undetectable
• Creamy butternut squash in homemade mac n’ cheese makes for sweet, nutty, and extra creamy comfort food

I don’t know about you, but my mouth is watering as I wrap up these lists; no small accomplishment for veggies with less than tasty reputation.

Remember, all forms count–fresh, frozen, dried, juiced, and canned vegetables. Start small, but start today to make vegetables a regular part of your plate!

The Crumbs of Truth by Bonne Norman

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One time or another all of us have been the proverbial child caught with our hand in the cookie jar. Averting our eyes from the evidence, with the tell tell crumbs on our fingers, we denied our culpability in a bold effort to avoid the scolding, the shame, the consequence of our action.

In confronting this universal behavior, my purpose is not to focus on teaching the negative results of lying, but rather to focus on the positive outcomes for owning and acknowledging our mistakes and choices.

Back to the cookie jar. A parent entering the scene of the “crime” often has a solid understanding of the missing treats, based on the position of the stool, the child and the container of goodies.

Stressed BusinesswomanThe mode of the questioning parent is key to turning the event into an effective growth experience. Expressing disappointment that the child did not respect and follow a family rule and/or did not immediately confess their wrong doing must be secondary to supporting the child in the frightening process of learning to own his mistakes.

The parent might began with a neutral inquiry such as “Jane, Johnny,can you tell me why the stool is out of place?” The child has two choices; to acknowledge eating the cookie or to invent a false story to support his or her innocence. As the child begins to weave his or her “not me” story, the parent gently interrupts, looks deeply into the child’s eyes with patience and uses the following declaration.

“Jane, Johnny, when mom (dad, an adult) asks you what happened, almost every time I already know the answer. What is really important here is for you to put into your own words what you have done.” If the child does not respond to this prompt the adult may followup with, “ I understand that it can be scary to take responsibility for your actions. I can hold your hand to give you my support.’

Most children are able to take ownership of their choices in response to this approach, allowing them greater opportunity to learn from their mistake. They also learn that while being honest does not erase all consequences, it almost always results in a lessor punishment, as well as peace of conscience and a feeling of building trust.

While these patterns of response are powerful for children, they apply equally to adult action. Fortunate is the adult who enters relationships having developed the strength of character to honestly own their mistakes, yielding trust, peace and forgiveness with those they cherish.

Bonne-cropped-297x229About the Author:Bonne Norman is a licensed masters social worker who recently completed 18 years of service with LCISD assisting children and families in an elementary school setting. During this period she developed a strong multicultural perspective while working with a wide variety of families dealing with behavior disorders, crisis and loss, relational stress and major changes in the family system.

How to be a Fearless Public Speaker, by Jonathan Decker, LMFT

leaderHow do we become a fearless public speaker? “According to studies, most people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. This means, at a funeral, the average person would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld
About a decade ago I performed with a comedy group in college. Some nights I was “on,” but other nights I’d get nervous about the crowd. Fear of embarrassment led me to forget my lines or stumble in my improv attempts. Joel, one of my fellow performers, was an audience favorite who never seemed to choke on stage. When I asked him for the secret to his fearlessness, his answer surprised me: “I just try to remember that there are people in the audience who are going through hard times. I have the privilege of helping them to laugh and feel happy, so each performance is my gift to them.”

Close-up of four business executives standing in a line and applaudingI had committed the cardinal mistake of public speaking and performance: I had made it about me. I got wrapped up in wanting people to be impressed by me. I worried about embarrassing myself if I forgot my lines or that my ad-libs would fall flat with the crowd. Joel taught me to take myself out of the equation. Instead of worrying over what people would think about me, I started to focus on what I could do for the people in the audience.
It changed my entire approach and has helped me to find my courage as a comedian, a presenter, a group therapist, and even at church. Great presenters, preachers, speakers, and performers don’t get that way by mechanical adherence to “tips” on vocal intonation, talking with their hands, or maintaining eye contact with the crowd. They’re great because they care about, and connect with, their audience; those other things are just tools.
To be great in front of a crowd, shift the focus away from what they think about you and to what you can give them. You can better their lives! Whether it’s a message, information, a product, or humor, have confidence in the material and the service you are providing. Then talk to your audience intimately and personally. I don’t mean that you should share personal secrets. I mean that you should take down the wall which distances a speaker from their audience.

To do this, think of any teacher, comedian, or speaker that you’ve really enjoyed. Odds are that you felt that they were speaking to (or with) you, not at you. We speak at a crowd when we want to distance ourselves for protection. We speak to (or with) a crowd when we care more about them (and what we are offering them) than ourselves.
This isn’t to say that nervousness isn’t part of the equation, nor do I wish to imply that this is the one and only key to overcoming public speaking jitters. Some cases of social anxiety, for example, are intense and require more than what I’ve outlined here. But forgetting myself as much as possible in order to lighten the burden of others has been a tremendous help to me whenever I get in front of a crowd. I hope that it will be for you as well.

jonathan - CopyAbout the Author: Jonathan Decker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the St. George Center for Couples and Families and is the Clinical Manager of the Online Center for Couples and Families. He can be contacted at jdeckertherapy@gmail.com or by phone at (435) 215-6113.

Health & Wellness by Dr. Spencer Scoville, DO

Vegetables‘Health and Wellness’

What can we do to improve our health & wellness? I think this is a great question for the New Year or any time of the year. We spend the majority of our time focused on work, family, church and community responsibilities. We get our kids to school and all their activities. We race to the Doctor when we are sick. We try to lose weight when our pant size increases or exercise a little when we see our muscles sag. Many of us don’t spend a lot of time thinking about our health or wellness until we are in deeply in need of it.

I think it is useful for each of us to spend a little time defining what health and wellness is to ourselves. Benjamin Franklin in his early autobiography tracked qualities that he felt needed improvement. If we do not define what we want in our health, I see it difficult for us to achieve the health goals we desire.

I define health or life as movement. Think of the things you enjoy doing. Even if it is going to the movies, it is much easier to enjoy them if you are able to move yourself to get there. I love to run. I have a goal of being that 90 year old guy out running. I am almost 40 and already have quite a bit of gray hair—so I am already “that old guy” when I am running. I want to do everything I can to maintain my health or ability to move and do the things I love as I age.

I talk to people every day about health. Many of these people are sick and we focus on the specific health concern they have that day. It may be a sinus infection or a back ache or a well visit. With all of these visits, I have an overriding desire. It is to help them improve their health. The 2 things at the top of my list to talk about are quitting smoking and getting moving. If you don’t smoke, I can think of few things that will improve your health over the years as much as getting moving.

Athlete Running Through Finish LineGetting moving, statistically decreases our risk of death. It may be painful when we start to be more active, but movement generally helps us. Exercise helps us control our weight which is directly linked to all-cause mortality in multiple studies. In one study midlife running speed predicted cardiovascular health 30-40 years later. “Heart disease risk increases markedly for every minute longer it takes you to run a mile.” We will be healthier if we exercise consistently.

I often feel an improvement in my mood when I exercise. When I exercise, I am accomplishing something I understand to be good for me. So that thought, makes me feel better. I will often feel an elevation in my mood as I exert myself. I feel a little silly as I am pushing to finish a run and have a hard time suppressing a huge smile.
These studies and personal experience tell us that activity is good for us. I am not talking about drastic life changes that require spending hours at the gym. I am talking about thirty minutes of daily movement. This can be as simple as a daily brisk walk.

I recently read “The Power of Habit” by Charles Duhigg. He reports that most of what we do during the day requires no specific decision because it is a habit. I find that if we don’t have to decide in the moment then we can be more successful. Some people want to work-out for 1-2 hours twice a week. This is good, but I like the commitment to daily exercise and the routine that it creates more. If it is not a routine, it is too easy to stop
Many times unforeseen things can interfere with our goals, but having strived for to attain what we truly want with our health will provide benefit. Wellness is a combination of our physical and mental state that allows us to comfortably do the things we enjoy doing. One individual may love to run and they define success by their ability to keep running fast. Another may define it by their ability to play with their grandkids or go for a walk to the park. Let’s define what we want from our health and strive to get moving.

logoAbout the Author: Dr. Scoville is a Family Physician in Utah at the US Synthetic Clinic. He enjoys the outdoors, running, and cylcing.

Co-Dependency by Dr. Jared DuPree

Businesswoman Ready for Work with Husband In Kitchen.The word co-dependency stems from the idea of chemical dependence. Chemical dependence has two main criterion:
1.The chemical is socially and/or occupationally harmful to the user (e.g., legal problems, relationship problems, work problems).
2.There is a presence of tolerance and withdrawal symptoms. Tolerance is requiring more of a substance to get the desired effect. Withdrawal Symptoms means the body has a hard time adjusting to not having the chemical in your body (e.g., shakes, nausea, heart attack).

Co-dependency suggests that another person helps the person stay dependent on the chemical through direct and indirect means. For example, a wife may indirectly help a husband stay dependent by not bringing up his drinking problem. A husband may directly help his wife stay dependent by continuing to buy a lot of alcohol on the weekends so she can drink rather than have to argue all weekend.

Although co-dependency is usually associated with chemical addiction, co-dependency really is present in many types of relationship problems. For example, a wife may not bring up that her husband has an anger issue because she is afraid of commitment and knows that the anger keeps them comfortably distant. Thus, the wife helps the husband remain, in a way, dependent on his anger (the anger works for him) and her dependent on her distance. Or, a husband may help his wife remain distant by encouraging her to seek out friendships on the weekends so he doesn’t have to go on dates with her (they may both be dependent on emotional distance). If one really examines what co-dependency is, one may define co-dependency as the need to keep one’s self, relationship, and/or family in their comfort zone in an area that is slowly harming the individual and relationships in that family.

MP900387517Here are some questions to help us deal with our own co-dependencies:
1. What issues are we afraid to bring up with our spouse?
2. What things do we do or say to remain comfortably distant?
3. What things do we do or say when a spouse.child tries to get close to us or help us that pushes them away?
4. How do we use anger, silence, time, and/or other interests in order to get back or achieve our own needs at the expense of others?

Hopefully, identifying some of our “co-dependent” areas can help us begin to identify how to change a co-dependent cycle into one in which relationships are healed, distances are shortened, and quality of life is improved. As I heard a wise man once say, “Sometimes we need to comfort the afflicted; sometimes we need to afflict the comfortable.”

jaredAbout the Author: Dr. Jared DuPree is a licensed marriage and family therapist.